Rick Leonard is a middle-aged white guy living in the greater Northern Hemisphere. He works in high tech and carries the nebulous title of “consultant.” He sometimes speaks of himself in the third person.

If you’ve come here to steal my identity, you’ll have to figure out which parts are true.

1. I was born under a bad sign.

Oh wait, let me turn down the music…

1. I was born in the largest town in the smallest county in a middle-sized mid-western state.
2. I grew up on a farm.
3. I don’t live there anymore.
4. I’m 5′-7″ barefoot and six-one in my boots, depending on how much crap I tracked in.
5. I weigh less than a refrigerator and more than my dog.
6. My eyes are brown.
7. I used to have hair that went to the middle of my back.
8. Now I have hair in my ears.
9. I look great in earmuffs.
10. I’ve worn a moustache for more than thirty years.
11. I still don’t know how to keep stuff from getting stuck in it.
12. I once knew the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.
13. I’ve lived in a half-dozen different states.
14. My parents moved away from me when I was 18.
15. They tore down the house where I was born and put up a corn field.
16. I scored 1580 on my SAT test (790’s for both Math and English).
17. I took the test with a wicked hangover and a sunburn.
18. I quit drinking at the turn of the century.
19. I have a Spiderman tattoo.
20. I got it years before the movie.
21. I met the first and only Mrs. Leonard in a college cafeteria.
22. She was having chicken, mashed potatoes, and salad.
23. We met a few months before the Watergate break-in.
24. Neither of us is a crook.
25. I don’t remember much of anything else about college, but I’m told I had a pretty good time.
26. I majored in computer science, then switched to journalism.
27. I spent twenty years working in television news, then went to work for Bill Gates.
28. We all do, it’s just that most of us are unaware of it.
29. I am not a Microsoft millionaire.
30. That train left the station in the 90s.
31. I’ve never been arrested, but the FBI does have a file on me.
32. So do the Secret Service and the Department of Justice.
33. My collegiate, broadcast, and Internet careers all contributed to those misunderstandings.
34. I’m still a country boy at heart.
35. I can still milk a cow.
36. I can still ride a horse.
37. I’ve had to shovel more manure in my professional life than I ever did down on the farm.
38. I am politically un-correct.
39. I may have AADD, did I mention that already?
40. I’m prone to alzheimer’s, I think.
41. I was part of class-action lawsuit in 2001.
42. My left knee hurts when it rains.
43. There’s no feeling left in my left pinky finger.
44. I broke three front teeth playing sandlot basketball.
45. I used to drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
46. And a Ford Ranger pickup.
47. My friends all drive Porches.
48. I must make amends.
49. Damn, Janice Joplin was good.
50. I may have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, did I mention that?
51. Or maybe it’s Alzheimer’s.
52. I think, therefore I am, I think.
53. I started playing guitar in college.
54. I became a rock ‘n’ roll roadie at age 49.
55. I have never lived in my car.
56. I’m still married to the first Mrs. Leonard.
57. A friend sang “When I’m 64 at our wedding.
58. We’re not there. Yet.
59. We have an adult son.
60. He designs houses for a living.
61. I could do that.
62. Today, I choose not to.
63. I loaned my car to Joe Walsh in 1972.
64. What the hell was I thinking?
65. I loaned it in exchange for backstage passes I never used.
66. What the hell was I thinking?
67. I used to smoke pot.
68. That explains a lot.
69. I always inhaled.
70. You can probably tell.
71. When does the high wear off?
72. Did I just write a song lyric?
73. One of my ancestors arrived on the Mayflower.
74. Really.
75. I can prove it.
76. One of my ancestors gave shelter to Frank and Jesse James.
77. Another knew Buffalo Bill and Wild Bill Cody.
78. Did I mention that I loaned my car to Joe Walsh?
79. I interviewed Sylvester Stallone once.
80. He’s shorter than me.
81. I prefer classic rock.
82. But I listen to country.
83. George Carlin is my kinda guy.
84. But he can’t write books worth a shit.
85. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a Dilbert cartoon.
86. I belong to three book clubs.
87. I rarely go to movies.
88. West Wing is still the best show on television, even in reruns.
89. I wrecked a motorcycle in 1980.
90. Broke eight ribs and a collarbone.
91. My wife won’t let me ride anymore.
92. I enjoyed painting and drawing back in the day.
93. I should probably do it again.
94. I love the American southwest.
95. I’ll probably live there someday.
96. I did a lot of water-skiing as a kid.
97. I did it again a couple of years ago.
98. My knees still hurt.
99. My dog is a mixed Labrador/Pit Bull.
100. She’ll either love you to death or bite your face off.
101. You should come visit some time.